Relational Aggression- any behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating relationships with others (Crick & Grotpeter, 1998)

 

Relational aggression is not an easy behavior to combat with children. It is often under the radar of the adults. Each child plays both roles of victim and aggressor making it sometimes hard to know what to do next. However, the consequences of such behavior can be damaged friendships, poor class cohesion, and injured self-esteem. Coaching children on how to be direct and honest communicators and how to problem solve for the good of the community is essential for tackling this issue.     

 

 

1. Power- many people are looking for power when they act relationally aggressive. They think by asserting their power they will gain more friends or feel better about themselves.

 

2. Self-esteem- some people put others down to pull themselves up. Many times people who act this way have poor self-esteem and are desperate to feel more confident with who they are.

 

3. Control- feeling out of control can be an unsettling feeling. People will find many ways to gain control when they feel they have none and social manipulation can be such a tactic

 

4. Social bonding- unfortunately some people seek social camaraderie and gossiping about someone or putting down another person is one way of gaining social status. 

 

 

Relational aggression can take on many forms. It is a complicated phenomenon and is sometimes hard to spot. Here are some common forms of relational aggression:

 

 

It is important to remember that relational aggression can appear different in boys and girls. Girls tend to be more social in their aggressive ways (gossip, rumors, and secrets) while boys are more direct in their aggression (taunting, harassment, exclusion).

 

 

1. Building a sense of community via tradition and social norms.

 

2. Specific classroom lessons about community, friendship, problem solving, etc. The Lower School counselor visits classrooms regularly to address these issues.

 

3. All staff and faculty are trained in our conflict resolution curriculum

 

4. Broad rules like “be safe, be kind.”

 

5. One-on-one coaching and/or counseling.

 

6. Guest speakers about the topic.

 

1. When you hear stories of aggression don’t jump to conclusions.

 

2. Gather information and listen actively.

 

3. REALLY listen to your child. Know that bullying is a symptom of something             greater.

 

4. Intervene when you see it happen on the play ground, at birthday parties, etc.

 

5. Teach your children direct communication and problem solving skills.

 

6. Remember that this is not your problem to solve.  

 

7. Expose kids to outside activities where they will meet children outside their school.

 

8. Avoid slipping into the victim/perpetrator mentality.

 

9. Avoid “interviewing for pain” (i.e. “Who hurt you today?” and other leading questions).

 

10. Move towards conversations that let your child know that you trust they can handle the situation – but may need coaching. “So what can you do?” “Who can you go to for help?”

 

11. The goal is to empower our children to handle these situations in healthy ways.

 

A recent conversation I had with a group of girls really highlighted how this kind of behavior can run out of control. Two of the girls had made a comment about another child’s academic performance to a group of classmates. That group then participated by sharing this with not only the rest of the class but also with the child herself. The child became very upset and hurt. She didn’t feel like she could say anything and just started to avoid and shut down. 

 

Luckily, because of the community surrounding the children at Catlin Gabel the information did come to light and it could be addressed. In the end, the child was able to stand up for herself and ask for an apology as well as a modification of behavior. You could literally see her lighten up with empowerment. You could also see the recognition from the other girls about what had transpired. They weren’t being purposely malicious. Once they recognized their error they were quick to apologize and are now working to repair their relationships. 

 

Part of growing up is exploring power in relationships. While no one can guarantee your child will not be part of relational aggression, we can share our commitment to work to empower our children to have strategies to deal with these incidents in healthy ways.