Counseling LS

Learning Community at Catlin Gabel

Submitted by Nadine Fiedler on Fri, 06/18/2010 - 3:13pm

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By Allen Schauffler & Jonathan Weedman

From the Spring 2010 Caller

Community is not an elusive quest at Catlin Gabel. It is the granite cornerstone of our foundation. We can reach back into the school’s earliest history and find references to community woven throughout Ruth Catlin’s writings. In the mid and late 1960s, when the influence of the Black Mountain College group among the faculty provided foundational ideas about community, the school as we now know it took shape. Ideas about community have come from many sources since then, but those two influences are the driving forces behind what we teach and model today. From Beginning Schoolers, where community is taught and experienced as concrete cause and effect, to Upper Schoolers, where community becomes an internalized and essential ingredient for living, its teaching is intentional and direct. Beginning with the littlest children, both in the classroom and outdoors on the playground, one can hear the mantra “Be Safe and Be Kind” over and over. In the Lower School that mantra becomes the essential question when a child is learning behavioral expectations.

By definition, a young child enters Catlin Gabel as a somewhat egocentric being. It is the primary job of the preschool to lead a child from the exclusive notion of “me” to the seed of understanding about what “other” might mean. The underlying philosophy behind this is that we strongly believe that the learning of content cannot begin and is meaningless unless there is a firm foundation of social conscience. As we watch children progress through the developmental stages of play and learning, the move from being merely a cooperative player and learner to a truly collaborative being is crucial to success at the school. In order to thrive as an experiential and process learner, one must be internally driven to be open to the riches that flow from the ideas and experiences of others. The goal is for children to embody, “I am made better by those who surround me.” Taking this as a given, then, we begin with simple guidelines that ease children into the experience of being a group learner.

Raise a Quiet Hand and Hand on the Arm are the first lessons for a preschooler. These teach that interrupting another person, whose ideas are important to one’s own and the group’s learning and understanding, is rude and unkind. Stop, Look, Listen, and Respond is the behavioral expectation when someone speaks your name. Speaking to someone is not an idle behavior; it demands respect. When the conundrum of group problem solving emerges in the classroom or on the playground, younger children are often befuddled by what to do. Talk, Walk, and Squawk provides an accessible place to hang one’s hat. First you try to talk to the person or group. If that doesn’t work, you can try walking away. If the problem persists, you must squawk to the nearest teacher or grown-up, who can help untangle the issue by providing vocabulary coaching and by scaffolding a conversation. But first, the child must have tried to talk. These simple mnemonic devices provide easy and accessible tools for young children as they wind their way toward a deeper and more practical understanding of community. This also sets the foundation for successful problem solving; a fundamental element of a fruitful community.

As children move through the grades we use both implicit and explicit interventions to further set the stage for community development. We teach kindergarteners the fundamentals of working in a group and how to get along with others. They are taught to discover if the choices they make are wise and ask themselves, is it safe? Is it kind? Is it honest? Is it fair? A good problem solver is a good community member, and from this early stage of their academic career children are taught the steps to problem solving, through stories, coaching, or through a tool called Kelso’s Wheel, a list of strategies for conflict resolution. Learning to be a good friend is also imperative as a kindergarten Eagle. Children spend time Fishin’ for Friends and discussing the components of good friendship, such as empathy, taking turns, problem solving, sharing, and helping each other. In fact, children learn that being a good friend helps their classroom and ultimately the entire community work well.

In 1st grade and onward through the Lower School, children are surrounded by messages of community and being a good community member. Through service, tradition, and class instruction children learn that being a community member is a requirement of Catlin Gabel. Children donate time to the Oregon Food Bank, host a food drive during Harvest Festival, and implement programs about sustainability such as the recent “1 oz. Campaign,” a plan led by 5th grade students to reduce our school waste. Children celebrate their community each week by attending Community Meeting, where they sing songs, read poetry, and celebrate holidays such as Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The Lower School shares community through its traditions, whether it is the rolling of the oat cake or partnering 4th graders with 1st graders as school buddies. Finally, classroom instruction is an explicit form of teaching community. First graders are taught about community, making choices, and healthy and unhealthy play, as well as using helpful and not hurtful words. Second graders learn the value of diversity, friendship, and conflict resolution. They discuss resiliency and the characteristics that help them “bounce back” from hard times.

In addition to the children of Catlin Gabel, a parent body that embraces the school and its ideals is imperative for successful community building and to further solidify community engagement. We encourage parents to participate across the school in official and unofficial capacities, carry over classroom lessons to home, and serve as extended eyes and ears of the faculty while supervising children on the playground and on class trips. Elected Parent Faculty Association representatives for each grade strive to relay communication between parents and teachers. Unofficially, parents celebrate community with their children by attending Friday Sing in the Beginning School and Community Meeting in the Lower School. They volunteer across the school in a variety of capacities and are essential for successful completion of fundraising initiatives, conferences, and special events. Engaged parents model to children the emphasis on community and demonstrate a desire to make it a stronger and better place. Parents are asked to help each other’s children, to intervene in conflicts, and to help children understand that every adult at Catlin Gabel is there to support them.

We know from experience that children who have achieved compassion for others and have absorbed and live these ideas of relationship make a firm and constructive community. A child can achieve almost anything when he or she has internalized community and can use it as both a cognitive and behavioral tool to contribute toward future good. Each June, graduating seniors who started at Catlin Gabel between preschool and 1st grade are invited to come to the Beehive “lifers” ceremony with their parents, teachers, and other community members. We sing together, and each senior gives the younger children in attendance a piece of advice or talks about something he or she learned at Catlin Gabel. Inevitably, the advice and the important experiences they speak of are centered on their understanding of what this community is about and the way it has shaped their experience and, more importantly, has shaped them as young adults. We hear statements like, “be kind to your friends: they will be with you for a long time” and “take care of your business, and if you have trouble there is always someone there to help.” They say things like, “there is life beyond homework” and quite poignantly “being a friend and keeping a friend is the most important thing you will learn at Catlin Gabel.” It’s always exciting to see those early lessons in community come full circle.

Preschool teacher Allen Schauffler has been at Catlin Gabel for 42 years. Jonathan Weedman is the Beginning and Lower School counselor at Catlin Gabel. He has worked with children, youth, and families in the Portland area for the last 10 years.

Relational Aggression

Submitted by Jonathan Weedman on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 10:38am

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Counseling LS

What is it and what to do about it

Relational Aggression- any behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating relationships with others (Crick & Grotpeter, 1998)

Relational aggression is not an easy behavior to combat with children. It is often under the radar of the adults. Each child plays both roles of victim and aggressor making it sometimes hard to know what to do next. However, the consequences of such behavior can be damaged friendships, poor class cohesion, and injured self-esteem. Coaching children on how to be direct and honest communicators and how to problem solve for the good of the community is essential for tackling this issue.

Why do people act aggressively?

1. Power- many people are looking for power when they act relationally aggressive. They think by asserting their power they will gain more friends or feel better about themselves.

2. Self-esteem- some people put others down to pull themselves up. Many times people who act this way have poor self-esteem and are desperate to feel more confident with who they are.

3. Control- feeling out of control can be an unsettling feeling. People will find many ways to gain control when they feel they have none and social manipulation can be such a tactic

4. Social bonding- unfortunately some people seek social camaraderie and gossiping about someone or putting down another person is one way of gaining social status.

What does it look like?

Relational aggression can take on many forms. It is a complicated phenomenon and is sometimes hard to spot. Here are some common forms of relational aggression:

Gossiping
Taunting
Harassment
Exclusion
Giving the silent treatment
Lying
Spreading rumors
Secrets
Betrayal/Manipulation
Bullying

It is important to remember that relational aggression can appear different in boys and girls. Girls tend to be more social in their aggressive ways (gossip, rumors, and secrets) while boys are more direct in their aggression (taunting, harassment, exclusion).

What we can do about it?

School:

1. Building a sense of community via tradition and social norms.

2. Specific classroom lessons about community, friendship, problem solving, etc. The Lower School counselor visits classrooms regularly to address these issues.

3. All staff and faculty are trained in our conflict resolution curriculum

4. Broad rules like “be safe, be kind.”

5. One-on-one coaching and/or counseling.

6. Guest speakers about the topic.

Parents:

1. When you hear stories of aggression don’t jump to conclusions.

2. Gather information and listen actively.

3. REALLY listen to your child. Know that bullying is a symptom of something greater.

4. Intervene when you see it happen on the play ground, at birthday parties, etc.

5. Teach your children direct communication and problem solving skills.

6. Remember that this is not your problem to solve.

7. Expose kids to outside activities where they will meet children outside their school.

8. Avoid slipping into the victim/perpetrator mentality.

9. Avoid “interviewing for pain” (i.e. “Who hurt you today?” and other leading questions).

10. Move towards conversations that let your child know that you trust they can handle the situation – but may need coaching. “So what can you do?” “Who can you go to for help?”

11. The goal is to empower our children to handle these situations in healthy ways.

A recent conversation I had with a group of girls really highlighted how this kind of behavior can run out of control. Two of the girls had made a comment about another child’s academic performance to a group of classmates. That group then participated by sharing this with not only the rest of the class but also with the child herself. The child became very upset and hurt. She didn’t feel like she could say anything and just started to avoid and shut down.

Luckily, because of the community surrounding the children at Catlin Gabel the information did come to light and it could be addressed. In the end, the child was able to stand up for herself and ask for an apology as well as a modification of behavior. You could literally see her lighten up with empowerment. You could also see the recognition from the other girls about what had transpired. They weren’t being purposely malicious. Once they recognized their error they were quick to apologize and are now working to repair their relationships.

Part of growing up is exploring power in relationships. While no one can guarantee your child will not be part of relational aggression, we can share our commitment to work to empower our children to have strategies to deal with these incidents in healthy ways.

Children and Body Image

Submitted by Julie Higgins on Fri, 01/15/2010 - 3:06pm

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Counseling LS

by Jonathan Weedman

If you ask a 5-year-old what dieting means you are likely to get a variety of responses. Most of us would like to believe that a 5-year-old would say, “What are you talking about?” or the wonderful “I don’t know.” However, it seems that research is telling us that in fact we might hear something like, “A diet is when you don’t eat.” Research from Florida State University indicates children as young as three-years-old think about their bodies and how they compare to their classmates.

Here at Catlin Gabel, it would appear we are no less victim to this potential research finding. In the last several months I have had numerous conversations with teachers, parents, and children about body image. In my previous work experience I was very accustomed to talking about body image with adults and adolescents. Never did I image I would be talking about body image to children as young as five years old.

How children begin to have body image concerns is getting new attention in the research arena. From my experience children are like sponges. They soak up all experiences around them. Like most human beings, once they soak up the data, they attempt to make sense out of this information. However, young children lack the full cognitive ability to make sense out of this information. As a result, they create “cognitive tapes” of what might be an explanation. The tapes can be incorrect or at the very least overly concrete.

For example, imagine you and your family are sitting around the dinner table. It’s after the holidays and you decide you want to lose weight you put on during the holiday season. You say to your partner, quite benignly, “I really need to stop being so lazy and get to the gym so I can lose this holiday weight.” You and your partner move through the conversation never imagining that your little one is picking up on the information. As an adult, we think about this information, analyze it and then decide what make sense to us from multiple angles. We plan a sensible and healthy diet and we focus on being healthy in the coming months. The child hears this and thinks, “Lazy is bad and fat is bad. I don’t want to be lazy or fat.” They go to school the next day and see their friend at the table next to them feeling tired. They say to that friend, “You are tired because you are fat.” No malice or ill will is being expressed here, merely a connection s/he has made.

What can we do?
First and foremost our body image affects our children’s body image. We must learn to be careful about what we say even in the most simplistic form. Comments about our own or other’s bodies should not be centered around the negative or weight. We should be aware that what we say is being heard by our children and often times interpreted in child-like ways.

Be careful in talking about dieting or about being lazy. Instead, focus on being healthy and talking about what that means. An article in the International Education Journal suggests that young children learn about foods that are healthy and unhealthy but they have little understanding of the context of what it means to be holistically healthy. What makes a person healthy is much more than just how much they weigh or what foods they eat. The article goes on to suggest that programs in schools could benefit from a more holistic understanding of health.

Finally, it’s important to pay attention to what kinds of media our children are exposed to and use this as a teaching opportunity. Media comes in all shapes and sizes including television, books, movies, music and magazines. Open a magazine and you will see the modeling industry flooded with women who weigh 23% less then an average woman. And yet, these women are held as the standard for what is beautiful. We see retail stores called, “1, 3, and 5” and television is constantly parading stories in front of us about childhood obesity. Depictions of body image are everywhere. Even children’s books often portray physically bigger characters as lazy or slow.

We can not keep our children from being exposed to media entirely, nor would we want to. Instead, use media as a learning tool for your children. Talk about these forms of media and teach them that health is a broad array of characteristics and that bodies do indeed come in all shapes and sizes.

Here at school we have started to address these issues. We talk about media literacy as early as first grade and do several lessons on body image in fourth and fifth grades. The health curriculum has been expanded to talk about health as a variety of factors and that you really can’t tell if someone is healthy by looking at their body shape. In a recent health lesson we discovered that children as young as second grade knew what a BMI (Body Mass Index) was and what could be considered a good or bad BMI score. Our goal is for children to have a healthy lifestyle that includes exercise and good nutrition. Their ability to participate in activities (physically and mentally) comfortably is a good indicator of this.

The Shifting Seas of 5th Grade Friendships

Submitted by Jonathan Weedman on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 3:24pm

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Counseling LS

Helping Your 5th Grader Navigate Changing Friendships

5th grade is a time of many changes for children. Not only do home work demands increase, but suddenly there are emotional, social, and intellectual changes occurring as well. Socially, this becomes a time when children begin the process of separation and individuation and start to try on a variety of new roles. Their peer groups take on a greater importance and they themselves begin to try on a variety of new personalities and interests. You may also find your 5th grader playing with different forms of power in their social relationships.

Photo by Salva Barbera

Talking with them and previewing these changes can be very powerful. Start by asking them about their friendships. Find out who they are hanging around with and what games they are playing. If their friendships have not yet shifted, let them know this might happen and brainstorm with them ways to adapt to this change. Preview with them what this might be like and have them generate ideas as to what they will do if they want to move to a new social group or seem to be struggling with their current friendships. They may choose a new activity, start playing with a new kid, or find a teacher to help them negotiate these shifting seas. This process will not only help them understand that this is a normal part of 5th grade, but more importantly, there are multiple ways and solutions to coping with these changes.

As your child begins to play with forms of social power, you may need to talk with them about the appropriate use of this power. Children of this age need to understand that they have a social responsibility to wield this power appropriately. This, in fact, becomes the time of shifting from “just because I can doesn’t mean I should.” Talk with your child about your family values and what you believe to be important. Share with them your expectations and what kind of leader you wish them to be. Always help them see there are multiple solutions to any problem and now they have the obligation to pick the one that serves the greater good.

Friendship Skills

Submitted by Site Administrator on Fri, 04/24/2009 - 10:34am

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friendship skills

Photo by Mario Alberto Magallanes Trejo

Just like learning reading, writing, and math children must sometimes learn the art of making friends. Making friends is a complex social skill which can take lots of practice. The main friendship making skills according to Elaine K. McEwan are:

Conversational Skills

Meeting New People
Introducing two people who don’t know each other
Starting a conversation (entering a group)
Listening to a conversation
Keeping a conversation going
Waiting your turn to say something
Ending a conversation

Skills for Interacting with Peers
Sharing
Compromising
Handling being teased
Saying No
Joining a group
Letting people know what you think and believe even with disagreement
Handling peer pressure
Giving a compliment
Accepting a compliment
Apologizing
Playing group game or activity
Handle being left out
Handing someone asking you to do something you cant because you don’t know how
Seeking Help from Peers
Asking a question
Saying Thank You
Keeping a secret
Disagreeing
Skills for Controlling Emotions
Identifying and expressing emotions
Handling other peoples anger
Handling your own anger
Handling other people’s failure
Handing your own failure
Handing losing
Expressing affection
Dealing fear
Rewarding yourself
Using self-control
Handing embarrassment
Accepting no

Consider these skills when talking to your child about making friends. Explain, model, and practice the skill together. Once you feel they have a good grasp on the concept encourage them to go into the "real world" and give it a shot! Be sure to debrief with them afterwards and offer specific advice to help them hone this skill set.

Google, Smoogle!

Submitted by Site Administrator on Fri, 04/24/2009 - 10:32am

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Laptop

Photo by crirez

In the last few weeks, the 4th grade class was blessed with their Catlin Gabel email accounts. Not only does this allow your student to communicate via another medium it also gives them the opportunity for added responsibility. With enough preparation and planning children can learn to use the internet in safe and productive ways.

Transparency is of utmost importance when talking about the internet and/or computer usage with children. Regardless of what boundaries you decide are appropriate for your family, complete informed consent is important for all family members. Let your children know that you will be periodically checking their conversations over email and that you will be checking the history on the computer browser. The second most important component of establishing boundaries around internet usage is consistency of structure. No matter what you decide, make sure the rule applies at all times with no exceptions. The final component for setting up internet guidelines is to start early! The younger your children are when you set up these family internet rules the better. Normalizing such guidelines will make it easier for them when they reach adolescence and are given more online freedom. Be sure to let your children know the timeline and that these rules can be reviewed and more freedom maybe granted when you feel its appropriate based on their trustworthiness and maturity level. Here are some general internet usage tips for home.

1.Transparency. It is important to be completely up front with your children about the fact that you want to know what they are doing and where they are going when they are on the internet. Tell them you are monitoring their usage to ensure they learn to make the right choices.

2.Understand what your child is doing. In addition to monitoring your child’s internet behavior, you should also work to understand what your child’s activities are. Find out what they are doing online and why they are doing it. The more you know what your child is doing and the more you discuss it, the better the chances that your child will trust you and share his/her online life with you. This is the time to build that foundation of trust while your child is just beginning to explore online life.

3.Locate the computer in a public place. The computer they work on should be in a public place of the house at all times. This allows you to casually view what they are viewing. Children who have laptops and have access to wireless connections should never be allowed to use their laptops alone in their bedrooms. Limit online access to times when parents are around.

4.Teach your children to never give out personal information. This includes his/her name, the names of friends or family, address, phone number, school name (or team name if he/she plays sports). Personal info also includes pictures and e-mail addresses. Children should ask permission before sharing any information online. Passwords are secrets. Your child should never tell anyone except a parent or guardian his/her password.

5.If it doesn't look or feel right, it probably isn't. Trust your instincts and teach your kids to trust theirs. While surfing the Internet, if your child finds something that they don't like, makes them feel uncomfortable or scares them, make sure they know to turn off the monitor and tell an adult.

6.Know all user names and passwords for your child’s email account. Let your child know that you will have access to their email and that you will periodically review what they are sending and receiving.

7.Restrict your child from using web-based emails accounts (Yahoo, Gmail, Hotmail, AOL, etc). Access to these types of email accounts prevent you from being in control. They have the power to change their passwords which could prevent you from viewing what they are sending and receiving.

8.Review internet history often. Let your child know that you will be reviewing the history of websites they are visiting. You should know where your child is at all times, in the real world as well as the virtual world.

9.Use online filtering systems to help your family avoid unwanted websites. Google Safe Search is such a tool and can help reduce the amount of inappropriate websites returned in a search.

10.Discuss email etiquette. Teach your child respect for the internet and email. Email can create an imaginary buffer between people and the real world. Children should be taught that how we speak to someone in real life should be the way they communicate in email.

11.Establish home rules for internet safety with your child and post them next to the computer. Discuss what the rules are and consequences of not adhering to those rules. Ideas for rules can be the amount of time spent on the Internet, time of day your child is allowed to be online, use of certain websites, downloading software, personal information that can be posted, what to do when coming across inappropriate material.

Bouncing Back From Hard Times

Submitted by Site Administrator on Fri, 04/24/2009 - 10:26am

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resiliency

Photo by Olly Bennett

Resiliency is defined as our ability to "bounce back" from adversity. In my work in nonprofit mental health, I have been amazed to see how people are able to overcome intense trauma. It didn't take me long to realize that there has to be something psychological that help people over come difficulty. According to Nan Henderson, a renowned resiliency expert, we are "hard wired" to be resilient.

Parents and educators can build a child's resilience by reminding them that they are hard wired for bouncing back and in fact we can specifically point out for them how this happens. Whether it be about suffering an emotional blow from a friend or a big family change, children can learn to identify their individual personality traits which allow them to work through hard times and come out the other side stronger. As they grow they will learn to rely on these "protective factors" to help them cope.

According to Nan Henderson PERSONAL RESILIENCY BUILDERS or individual protective factors that facilitate resiliency are:

Relationships -- Sociability/ability to be a friend/ability to form positive relationships
Service -- Gives of self in service to others or a cause
Life Skills -- Uses life skills, including good decision-making, assertiveness, and impulse control
Humor -- Has a good sense of humor
Inner Direction -- Bases choices/decisions on internal evaluation (internal locus of control)
Perceptiveness -- Insightful understanding of people and situations
Independence -- "Adaptive" distancing from unhealthy people and situations/autonomy
Positive View of Personal Future -- Expects a positive future (Optimism)
Flexibility -- Can adjust to change; can bend as necessary to positively cope with situations
Love of Learning -- Capacity for & connection to learning
Self-motivation -- Internal initiative, inner motivation
Competence -- Is "good at something"/personal competence
Self-Worth -- Feelings of self-worth and self-confidence
Spirituality -- Personal faith in something greater
Perseverance -- Keeps on despite difficulty; doesn't give up
Creativity -- Expresses self through artistic endeavor

Adapted from the book, Resiliency in Schools: Making It Happen for Students and Educators by Nan Henderson and Mike Milstein, published by Corwin Press, Thousand Oaks, CA (2003, revised ed.).